UPDATE ON KEEPING HIM SAFE AND HAPPY

When writing about my sister and the care of her husband [KEEPING HIM SAFE AND HAPPY] I mentioned that the New Year’s Eve Mexico cruise was the last she would embark. The reasons were logical….she could not care for her partner on a cruise ship. There simply was not enough room.

On the trip before Mexico, we had sailed out of New York City to Nova Scotia. It was September 2022. The cruise was for 7 days with stops each day in Rhode Island, Maine and then Prince Edward Island and Halifax. I vividly remember two events on that trip: the death of Queen Elisabeth while we were in Canada and misplacing my brother in law. I fail to call it out as “we lost him”, I would describe it as “he moved without telling us”. There were 6 of us on this trip and we immediately walked back to the chair he sat and moved out from there in a circle on a search. In less than 10 minutes, he was found on a chair out of the sun and inside the main port of call station–needless to say we were relieved. To keep my sister calm I kept telling her not to worry we were in Canada and they would, for sure, take good care of him.

I mention all of this because of an encounter I had this afternoon at the YMCA. It made me remember Ben getting lost and the kindness and love bestowed on him when he was found.

I went to the Y for a swim and as I took off my jeans I heard two women speaking. I did not understand the language, but believe it was Russian. The Y hosts many diverse seniors and I find that the Russian and Chinese immigrants are swimmers. The cadence of one of the women was repetitive–she was saying the same words over and over–gently and patiently. I do not know what words they were but the other woman responded with a sigh and a audible OK. Upon visual observation I noticed that one of the women was opening and closing the locker without taking anything in or out. She also took off her shirt and then put it back on. She was definitely confused.

Then it dawned on me, the language I heard was the chant of the caregiver. Chant is defined as “repetitive vocalization used in spiritual practice to strengthen community, heal illness, and overcome psychological and emotional difficulties. In many traditions, chanting is used to induce mystical states, an altered state of consciousness characterized by a profound sense of peace.”** This was a caretaker and a woman with dementia. The language is universal. The chants persist in the answering of the same question, the reassurance of the same answer–over and over again. This in turn brings a sense of peace to the afflicted.

I happened to finish swimming at the same time and was in the sauna with both women. I observed the same behavior and decided I would ask the chanter a question. I didn’t want to seem nosy but definitely wanted this woman to understand that I saw and felt her love for her companion. And just maybe, she would have an opportunity at an adult conversation where chanting was not required. I introduced myself first, since I felt awkward about doing this, but Tamara gave me her name and simply said “this is my older sister Lucy.” I boldly asked whether she had dementia and was told yes. Before she could say anything else, I told her I could feel and see the love of her care. She said sometimes it was hard and that Lucy’s husband had lost it as well. I could see that Lucy wanted to join the conversation and she repeated that her name was Lucy. I told her it was nice to meet her.

I spent some time conversing with Tamara about caring for someone you love. She mentioned the enormous challenge to everyone but that the love was the constant–the love that Lucy’s children and other family members could give her. Tamara’s greatest fear was that Lucy would get argumentative and aggressive. She spoke about having a new doctor’s appointment to see whether there was any medication available. I just listened because I thought that is what was needed. As I left the sauna, Tamara said she hoped she would see me again and I felt better about being intrusive and asking questions.

There was no doubt in my mind that Lucy was in good hands and was kept happy safe by those who love her.

The language of caregivers for those afflicted with memory loss is a chant: a universal chant that connects caregivers all over the world. They are special people.

Photo mine: Galleria Nazionale d’Arte Moderna e Contemporanea⁩, ⁨Rome⁩, ⁨Centro⁩, ⁨Italy⁩

*Alzheimers is used interchangeably with dementia throughout this story. They are not the same condition but they manifest the same.

**Perry G, Polito V, Thompson WF. Rhythmic Chanting and Mystical States across Traditions. Brain Sci. 2021 Jan 13;11(1):101. doi: 10.3390/brainsci11010101. PMID: 33451163; PMCID: PMC7828722.