But let’s go back a few weeks to about two weeks after the Fitful Heart story.

So as I recover from my recent TAVR procedure, I have not gotten back to feeling like my “old self.” So what did my old self feel like: a lot better than the new self.

I went into the TAVR procedure knowing it would take care of my aortic stenosis. The new bovine valve would make blood flow through my heart more freely–it gave it more elasticity to go through. I also knew that it would have no effect on my Afib–or so I thought. The Afib has always been the annoying factor of this two-tiered heart problem. I never had any symptoms of stenosis. As I mentioned in the previous stories, I had been asked numerous times whether I was out of breathe while exercising or when I did stairs. I never had any symptoms of the stenosis. I always felt good while exercising. Swimming, walking or cardio has never been a challenge. I am most comfortable when in that mode.

Now, all of that has changed. My new self has a hard time exercising, resting or sleeping. The Afib has taken over my new self. My afib was usually 2% or less and I hated it at that rate. I felt it every time it happened. Once I got an Apple Watch I was able to track it better and affirm that when I felt it coming–it was coming. My heart rate fluctuates between 45 and 135 on an average. It can be 45 once minute and 135 the next and then down to 70 and then up again to 90. The variation feels disconcerting.

It definitely is exhausting but it feels different. This is difficult to explain and as I write I try to force my body to explain it to my brain. When the Afib was at 2%, as it came on, I shivered with the anticipation. Usually it subsided in 20 minutes or an hour, but from experience I understood it would go away. Being a little nerdy, I actually wrote down every time I felt the afib and then after a month I calculated whether my Apple watch caught everything I was feeling. It was affirmation and sometimes you need affirmation. When in afib I would get up and walk around or do some deep breathing or just distract myself from what I was feeling. Now it is always there and as the time has passed since the TAVR my Afib gets worst and I feel awful. I now feel lightheaded and at times dizzy.

Exercising or walking is a challenge. I run out of breathe. I swam 2 or 3 times but couldn’t make the mile….just got tired. Now it is impossible to do any of these things. My life has dramatically changed from being active to sitting around doing very little. [You might have thought I had more time to finish up this story, but there is an aspect of depression that dwells with me.]

After the TAVR I was on a heart monitor for a month. After that time, they schedule an appointment with an electrocardiologist and they share the results. I knew what the results would be since I am aware of being in Afib. The monitor showed the same as my Apple watch–I was experiencing this phenomenon 40% of the time. This has always been weird to me—the further I got away from the TAVR the more the Afib persisted and grew. The electrocardiologist mentioned that sometimes after a procedure such as TAVR, the workings of the tubes through your arteries disturbs the electrical current of your heart. Right now I am sounding like I know a whole lot about this. Believe me I would rather not have this and so not know this. So this was a possibility and now the offer of the other doctor to do open heart surgery instead of a TAVR and fix both the stenosis and the afib makes more sense. I still believe I would have said no to the open heart surgery. It is really invasive.

So the next step is to schedule an ablation. This procedure would have an 85% chance of keeping the afib at bay. This is the definition of ablation: a medical procedure that removes or destroys a body part, tissue, or its function. It can be performed using drugs, hormones, radiofrequency, heat, surgery, or other methods. 

At first read, my brain went to “removes or destroys a body part, tissue, or its function.” That is terrifying. Was it going to kill the function of my heart? But, luckily, I had an ablation before….my eye doctor ablated the gel tissue around my eye, so I knew it could not be referring to eliminating the function of my heart, but just destroying the tissue that is causing the electrical interference to the beat of my heart.

Now my brain moves to the question of exactly what love is held in that soon to be ablated heart tissue. After all, look at all the music created about your heart and love. I have given my intellect permission to move away from the poetic and think only medically. Yes, my intellect and emotion are interconnected and provide me some great outlooks into life and love.

So I have scheduled the ablation for May 8, the day after my 76th birthday. I need this to be fixed; it is disrupting my life. All pre-op and other appointments have been made. I have been told it is simpler than the TAVR, less invasive, no artery entrance so no need to kneel on my groin to stop the bleeding. I was very relieved to hear that.

APRIL 22

Well as I mentioned, the lightheadedness, dizziness and exhaustion led me to the emergency room yesterday. I was supposed to be cooking pot roast but when I could not breathe and my blood pressure was 153 over 117 I caved to the idea of going to the emergency room. I think that everyone hesitates before going to the ER–might be that you question your symptoms or you think what you are feeling will pass–but I never think anyone does it lightly. I don’t believe I ever gasped for air before and I hope I never will again. I have a new appreciation for those with asthma or panic attacks.

Two of my cardiologists were in the hospital yesterday–on a Sunday–who knew they work on Sundays without an emergency. One of the doctors was my TAVR surgeon. He said that my main cardiologist mentioned I might be mad at him–after all before TAVR I felt whole and well. Now I don’t. I am absolutely not mad at him. He fixed my stenosis; my blood flows well through my heart and I have no blockages. Maybe I would have liked to know that the afib might get worse but I can’t find any stats that confirm that is common or expected.

So today, in a little while, my cardiologist will perform a cardioversion. It is a medical procedure that uses quick, low-energy shocks to restore a regular heart rhythm. I write this but don’t dwell on it. As I spoke with both doctors, there was agreement that I was suffering more from Atrial Flutter than Atrial Fibrillation. They are similar and when I was originally diagnosed I was told I experienced both. But when I think about the afib feeling different before and after the TAVR, this might explain it. I am now feeling flutter. The difference for me is that the feeling is almost constant–your heart doesn’t keep a sinus rhythm and just flutters–it is exhausting.

A funny aside: as I am sitting here writing this, one of the ER resident doctors comes by and as they always do, ask a few questions. His question “have I ever been diagnosed with sleep apnea. I say “no”; he asks whether I snore, I say “no.” He then indicates that my hemoglobin was a little high and that might indicate sleep apnea which might cause afib or flutter. I mention this as a “funny aside” because I will do absolutely nothing with this information. The doc is probably accurate with his statements, but I definitely don’t think it has to do with me. After all, I have a shitload of data that indicates my flutter and afib got out of control after the TAVR procedure. I will file his information for a later date.

So I am currently listening to MSNBC provide the jury instructions given in the Trump trial. After all this is actually a historic day: a former president goes on trial for a number of felonies . . . and I will have a cardioversion. I guess it is more memorable than the day of the TAVR: International Sticky Bun Day.

APRIL 23

Julienne and Suzanne were the caregivers and technicians for the cardioversion. Suzanne had just come back from Rome and had booked through Costco online and said it worked really well. Julienne was headed to Napa for her birthday. We spoke a bit about good wineries to visit and whether a stopover in Sausalito might be fun. As we were waiting for the procedure to begin I had told them about the lateness of my TAVR because of the anesthesiologist from Brooklyn getting stuck in traffic. Not 2 minutes later, who shows up but the guy from Brooklyn. We all laughed, though the Brooklyn anesthesiologist thought it was a little bit creepy that I remembered he was late.

What is not fun: Cardioversions. Think about all those TV shows when they shock someone back to life. That’s what it is like. The humane information: you are totally unconscious of what is going on. The procedure takes maybe 15 minutes or so. They put pads on your chest and back for protection. Then they put a camera down your throat to check for blood clots around your heart; if none are found they then shock your heart. When they remove the anesthetic drip, you are immediately awake. As I opened my eyes and said hello to all the caregivers, they gave me the bad news: it did not work. I had read and knew that this procedure was, I’ll call it, “iffy.” But the possibility of this working enticed me to try it and my cardiologist thought it might work. The next decision was for a slow drip of a medication that might help get my heart back to sinus rhythm.

The rest of the day was uneventful. I watched the monitors, saw my heart go in and out of sinus rhythm and then back into flutter. I hoped I could get home and keep my appointment for the cardiologist that would do the ablation. That did not happen and as of now, I am in a cardiac unit, still getting a slow drip of this medication.

A cardiac doc came by this morning; he mentioned the possibility of doing another cardioversion this afternoon. I told him that was not going to happen. It looked like he understood. Was it the tubes, or black and blue arms, the pain in my chest from the first zap or just the look of horror on my face. I am currently waiting for more information.

An aside: nutritionist came in and asked what I wanted for breakfast. When I mentioned orange juice she said I couldn’t have it because of my diabetes. I informed her that I was not a diabetic. She insisted I was and that it was listed in the tablet. When the nurse indicated I definitely was not diabetic, the nutritionist told me she had no way to override the tablet from calculating that the juice would bring me over my sugar intake for the meal. So watch out the technology will cure you or keep you from getting your juice.

I have just been notified that I will be discharged shortly–not fixed, just discharged. I’m OK with that. I now can look forward to the ablation and getting better. Fingers crossed.

More to come … telling the story is keeping me sane.